Mrs. Plainerd just wants it to be like it was when Otis was in 4th grade: he played soccer and baseball and she got to drive him around in the minivan like the other moms do. Alas, that was Otis’s last brush with organized sports and Sally Sue’s last brush with being spoken to by the other “normal” moms. She occasionally asks Otis if he needs a ride to practice, thinking it might trick him into actually going. She’s a real breakfast-for-dinner kinda mom and is not afraid to order Chinese takeout several times a week if need be. She’s excited to have Zillion around because she gets to be overprotective of him and kinda treats him like he’s a toddler. Sally Sue wants her daughter Frankie to stay away from all boys yet tries to throw Otis at any available teenage female. Now that the kids are older she’s kinda bored around the house and may be going a little crazy. Despite Hal’s love for sports, it’s Sally Sue that will stand up and scream at the TV during a game. When Hal gets all sensitive, she’s not afraid to take the typical man’s role. She doesn’t really gel with most of the other neighborhood moms and instead talks on the phone all the time with her best friend from school, Judge, who lives far away.
1. SALLY SUE
The problem with most teenage boys is that they are extremely disgusting. No, really! They are literally covered in a thin film of grime called ‘testostergoo’ that can make you upchuck on the spot if you come near it. So go on your date with Reggie, or Greggie, or Creggie or whoever it is, but take this puke pail with you. You’re gonna need it.
2. SALLY SUE
Oh! I’m so happy you decided to populate the field with 3-year old flower girls from a Kansas wedding instead of AN ACTUAL DEFENSIVE LINE!!! I’m SURE they’ll flummox the opposing team with a bunch of rose petals and pigtails!! And don’t get me started about the grandma organist you brought in to quarterback! I can’t wait until a warbly rendition of ‘Amazing Grace’ scores a million touchdowns!!!
3. SALLY SUE
Hal, I folded all your shirts earlier today but then I unfolded them because there was nothing left to do after that. Then I watched the local weather radar for four hours, you know the one with that computer voice that tells you forecast -which may have tried to hit on me by the way- and by the time I was done you were already home. So I guess what I’m saying is I need you to go upstairs and fold your shirts.
